Nothing Works: Top 10 Stupid Tricks to 'Save' PRC Stocks

Dontcha worry; more official "help" is on the way. Or maybe you should worry a lot more because of it.

The recent retirement of comedian David Letterman has deprived humanity of two outstanding recurring gags of his: the "Top 10 Lists" and "Stupid Human Tricks." Unfortunately for so-called investors in Chinese stocks, I am afraid that the PRC Communist leadership has turned their activities into a financially worrisome joke as their stock markets plunge day in and day out despite all sorts of interventions being introduced to stem the rout. Is China a market-based economy? If you needed any more proof that isn't, then you mustn't be following the financial news.

With some ungodly number of stocks halted for trading in the past day after falling 10%, China has introduced yet another round of desperate measures. Smacking of gross interference, corporate executives and shareholders holding more than 5% of a listing will not be able to sell shares for 6 months. Even dumber-sounding, government agencies including the market regulator [!...!!...!!!] are being ordered to buy small cap shares. 

It's all quite idiotic, but they may not be done yet. To sustain the comedy, here are what I suggest...

TOP TEN STUPID TRICKS TO 'SAVE' PRC STOCKS

10. Convert its $3.7 trillion in foreign exchange reserves to yuan to buy small cap and tech stock A-shares.
9.  Make the official Xinhua news agency hire James "Dow Jones 36,000" Glassman as its stock commentator.
8. Sweeten the deal for domestic investors by including plots of land reclaimed by dumping waste material on ecologically sensitive coral reefs in the South China Sea.
7. Include a stock link in Macau casinos to drum up business in the world's largest casino.
6. Bundle "minions" as freebies with a minimum $100 equivalent stock purchase.
5. Give away a photo montage of Chinese tourists desecrating holy sites in Thailand signed by the Thai tourism minister with a minimum $1,000 equivalent stock purchase.
4. Allow unlimited Internet usage without censorship for a minimum $100,000 equivalent stock purchase.
3. Include US residential real-estate with a minimum $1,000,000 equivalent stock purchase.
2. Order China's 30,000 Internet censors buy stocks when not busy snooping on other peoples' lives.

And, the top intervention you are doubtlessly expecting...

1. Replace the China Securities Regulatory Commission head with Greek pinko Yanis Varoufakis to halt stock trading indefinitely.

When dealing with stupid human tricks, Mediterranean commies transferring their leadership skills to an officially styled socialist nation had to be mentioned. But of course.